The Backwards Law

the law of reversed effort.

Does it ever seem that the more we pursue a thing the further it moves away from us? 

In our culture willpower is praised. Individuals that seem to work hard and long are supposed examples to us. We are pushed, prodded, and coerced into action at every turn. We are reminded, continually, of all that we lack, and that makes us strive harder! We are conditioned to believe if we have more money, more recognition, more stuff, the right this, or the right that life will magically be better. In our pursuit of happiness, we just seem to find more unhappiness. We push away negative emotions and negative experiences and by doing so they seem to multiply and amplify! 

What’s going on?

I moved a lot as a kid. I lived in Wyoming between the ages of 7-14. I very much wanted to learn how to swim. It’s too cold, most of the year, for people to have pools there, so most people don’t. One summer my mom enrolled me in the YMCA’s summer program. Every morning she would drop me off there, go to work, and then pick me up in the evening. They had a game room there with things like ping pong tables, air hockey, and video games that were not as advanced as the one's today, like Pong and Space-war. They also had an enormous indoor pool and multiple saunas. We had little supervision and could run around and do whatever we wanted. There were no hovering adults to ensure our safety or to entertain us. Things were very different back then. We were left to our own devices and expected to entertain ourselves. So I believed that I'd probably drown if I went into the deep end of the pool. There was a lifeguard but he’d probably not see me in the swarm of children in the pool. I imagined them pulling my soaked, dead corpse out of the pool. (I had a vivid imagination as a kid. Ok, still do.) There I’d be lying with all my friends gathered around my lifeless body. I think I even went through the details of my funeral and what might be said. “April liked guinea pigs, dogs, roller skates, and ditto jeans with Shaun Cassidy’s face on them…. etc.” It was all very dramatic. I’d surely be missed.

So I stayed in the shallow end and watched all of my friends gleefully dive off diving boards into the deeper parts of the pool. I was envious. I had fun that summer but I was a little discouraged and embarrassed that I didn’t know how to swim. For god’s sake, 3-year-olds were trying to play with me in the baby pool. I was mortified. Sometimes one of my friends would ask me why I wouldn’t join them at the deep end. That was a bit awkward but I was able to come up with all sorts of reasons and stories. I was a little relieved when summer came to an end because I’d no longer felt pressured to explain myself.

When I turned 14 we moved back to California. I was excited to learn that we were going to live only a mile from the beach. I had missed the ocean. But then it occurred to me that the ocean had a lot of water in it! I was filled with dread! I imagined lifeguards dragging my lifeless body out of the ocean. ‘Oh no!’ I thought.

The apartment building we moved into, like many apartment buildings in California, had a pool. Only a few weeks of school were left and soon it was summer. With nothing to do, and wanting a break from family, I’d go down to the pool alone. The deepest part of the pool was only 5 feet and that also happened to be my exact height at the time. I decided I would try and teach myself to swim. Now, in California, in June, it’s still pretty cold, so no one else in our building was using the pool at that time. Having lived in a colder climate, what might have been freezing to the locals, was warm to me.

Day after day I would strive and struggle to learn to swim only to fail and miserably sink to the bottom of the pool. I was trying hard but nothing was working. I tried to imitate all the ‘moves’ I’d seen others do. Breaststroke, backstroke, butterfly….you name it. I’d studied them and paid close attention. Still, I just kept sinking like a lead balloon.

One day, as usual, towel in hand I went down to the pool. I noticed an old man in the pool. He was a large man, with a protruding belly and a balding head and he was floating on his back. Just there in the middle of the pool, he floated, completely relaxed. I put my towel down and reclined back onto a long chair and watched him. Soon he gently began to move his arms in backstroke and gracefully and slowly kicked his legs. He used very little effort and seemed to glide gracefully over the water. It was magical! He soon met the end of the pool, stood up, smiled at me, and got out of the pool. He picked up his towel and walked away. I was a little perturbed and I thought to myself how easy he made that look. And then it occurred to me. It was easy because he was. He wasn’t working at it.

“Easy is right. Begin right and you are easy. Continue easy and you are right. The right way to go easy is to forget the right way, and forget that the going is easy.”

— Zhuangzi

I learned to swim that summer and by the following year, I could body surf!

Tension is heavy. Whenever we strive and struggle with something our souls become heavy. Life becomes heavy and painful. The harder we try and struggle the less attainable what we desire becomes. It’s a law. It’s what is known as the backward law or the law of reversed effort. If we instead embrace what is undesirable we somehow attain what is desired. Weird huh?!

Trying to be happy makes us unhappy. Accepting unhappiness makes us happy.

The more we try to control the more powerless we become.

Trying to make ourselves feel safe generates more fear. Becoming comfortable with being uncertain is what allows us to feel secure.

The more we work to become confident, the more insecurity and anxiety we experience. The more we accept our flaws, the more comfortable we will feel with ourselves.

The more we demand love, respect, or trust the less we experience love, respect, or trust. The more we love, respect, and trust ourselves the more we receive from others.

The more we resist change the more change we experience. The more we embrace change the more we evolve and are not disturbed by the ebb and flow of life!

I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Now just go out there and FLOAT!

Love you with everlasting love.

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but an experience to be had.” Alan Watts