Fixing and Saving....
Or Serving and Supporting
The Tao never does anything,
yet through it all things are done.
If powerful men and women
could center themselves in it,
the whole world would be transformed
by itself, in its natural rhythms.
People would be content
with their simple, everyday lives,
in harmony, and free of desire.
When there is no desire,
all things are at peace.
Tao Te Ching Chapter 37
Attempting to fix or save another can be a harmful endeavor to the receiver, the giver, and anyone in proximity to both. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, so it has been said. When we interfere with another’s path, we will inevitably cause more harm than good.
I currently have a chicken that is broody. At a certain age, a hen, due to her reproductive biology, becomes convinced she needs to hatch eggs and mother chicks. Rooster or no rooster, eggs or no eggs, she won’t budge off her nest. This typically lasts 23 days (the gestation period for hatching chicks) but can last longer.
It’s concerning because she might reject eating and drinking in favor of sitting on her (imaginary, in our case) eggs. And like any protective ‘mother’, she gets feisty!
To make matters worse, in our situation, the other chickens have forgotten her, as she is in the coop constantly, and attack her when I place her by the feeder or bring her water. They no longer recognize her (yes, they are that dumb) and see her as a foreign invader.
I read an article recently by a more experienced ‘chicken tender’ (pun intended) than I am. She suggested that I might have been making it worse by interfering and that the other chickens likely believe they are helping me by attacking the ‘foreigner.’ By interfering and trying to fix the situation, and save her, the article stated, I have been denying her the opportunity to leave the coop and make an attempt to reintegrate with the flock on her own. This hit home, and I realized I had been unskillful in the way I have been handling the situation.
The reality is that I can’t make her reintegrate, eat, or drink. She either will or she won’t, and I have little control over how this goes. They will welcome her back, or they will attack her. Or she might attack one of them. The outcome remains to be seen. It seems brutal, but this is nature, and whether I like it or not, or even understand it, there is a certain evolutionary wisdom at play that I must respect and interfere with as little as possible.
Nature is my teacher, and I am admittedly not always the best student. I have to learn the hard way a lot of the time. I tend to run into a brick wall a few times before understanding that it was I who put the wall there. But I do pay attention, and eventually, I get it. I am noticing that what is applicable, in nature, in one situation tends to be applicable in most others. There is a certain pattern to everything in nature! So whether chicken or human being, there are universal truths found in nature that are reliable for guidance.
When we try to fix or save another being, or think we can, we make an assumption that they are in some way broken or lacking. Nature is not lacking, nor is it broken. And while it seems lately that much of mankind might have forgotten that we, too, are part of nature, this is undeniable. Who are we to fix or save a person from their difficulty when life may have brought a particular struggle to them for reasons we very likely know nothing about? We all have a hero/heroin’s journey, and much of that involves suffering so that we might learn and level up in this incarnation. In essence, many of us will need suffering as a teacher until we don’t.
The Western world is known for interfering. Somehow, we seem to think we know better. Everyone wants to be a hero, but it is only appropriate to play that role in one’s own story, not in another’s. Consequently, we tend to project our reality and emotions onto others rather than see a situation clearly without personal bias.
Governments, not being altruistic whatsoever (let's get real), depend on our pity, partiality, projections, and desire to play the hero in someone else’s story to motivate us to agree to ‘fix’ or ‘save’ another country or group from its problems. And of course, if you have lived long enough, you understand what they call ‘help’ is not. For institutions, like governments, it is generally much more about creating dependency and or obtaining power, which is ultimately cruel and deeply immoral. In the end, we have all been played and betrayed by our need to play the role of fixer or savior in another’s story. Haven’t we seen that movie before, again and again? Nonetheless, this story plays out in both the micro and the macro in modern society.
Whether it’s a person’s personal life, groups, entire nations, or multiple nations, we seem to have our noses where they do not belong too much of the time. We disregard the sovereignty of others and their right to conduct their journey their way. This is not only insulting, it is infantilizing. We frame our interference as ‘we fixed that’, so we can feel virtuous, when more often than not, the situation was made worse by our intervention. We prevent the sturdy formation of strength, fortitude, resilience, and insight that one might gain from overcoming hurdles when we ‘fix’ or ‘save’ them. This is an enormous disservice.
From a certain vantage point, there is perfection in struggle, and whether we understand it or not, or like it, none of it is our business. Our business is our journey. That, in and of itself, if we are honest, is a big enough job to tackle. We have our hurdles to overcome, and perhaps by working on our neighbors’, we are bypassing ours. This is a profound inquiry to conduct. As a concept, I accept this, yet I very often have struggled with the desire to fix or save those who appear to need it from my limited perspective. I can be very Confucian, getting caught up in my ‘role’ or identity as a helper, not realizing how disempowering that can feel to others. Here in the West, we are deeply conditioned to believe that we have a role in fixing and saving when, in actuality, nothing requires interference. We can, however, if we are willing and invited, serve and support others.
Service and support are virtuous offerings. Providing service and support is not about feeling pity for another or having an attachment to outcomes. Service and support are the only pure ways to help another. Neither comes from a space of believing in another’s brokenness or inability to accomplish something for themselves. For that reason, both service and support are inexhaustible! Remember, unlike fixing and saving, they are asked for and invited, not forced. Service, and especially support, do not negate participation and input from the one being served! It is expected. And both are designed to be temporary! Rather than enable failure or feelings of disempowerment, service and support are employed as a means to strengthen and encourage confidence, but the accomplishment belongs solely to the doer. The idea, not to be too cliche, is to teach a man to fish, not to fish for him. We see this with wildlife that are artificially supplied with food, for example, and lose their natural capacity to find food for themselves.
Ultimately, no one can fix or save anyone. Not really. We must do our work, save ourselves, and afford others the same courtesy. This is what it means to be the hero or heroin in one’s story. Don’t take that from anyone, nor allow anyone to take that from you. Even when there are good intentions. You are stronger, wiser, and more powerful than you know! Trust the Way in your life and the lives of others.
Blessings!
April
Great read and spot on !